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Feb. 18th, 2019 11:12 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hyaenidi still feel great about this? i keep expecting to wake up and be like OH NO I HAVE MADE A MISTAKE and it keeps not happening
the things i'm anxious about are logistical, like -- how to navigate if i should start using the men's bathroom instead of the women's bathroom, what to do about gym changing rooms, what about getting a terrible pubestache*, etc, but not "am i making the right choice"
* i haven't shaved any part of my body in like -- 3 or 4 years? do i even own razors? crossing my fingers that my genetics will win out and i'll keep all my head hair and remain relatively unfuzzy otherwise :v
the things i'm anxious about are logistical, like -- how to navigate if i should start using the men's bathroom instead of the women's bathroom, what to do about gym changing rooms, what about getting a terrible pubestache*, etc, but not "am i making the right choice"
* i haven't shaved any part of my body in like -- 3 or 4 years? do i even own razors? crossing my fingers that my genetics will win out and i'll keep all my head hair and remain relatively unfuzzy otherwise :v
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Feb. 17th, 2019 10:27 pmhyaenidi'm trying as much as possible to not fall into the trap of starting out with an assumption about what my gender is? for a long time my thought was, "please don't let me turn into a man", which i really sincerely do not think is helpful. one thing that does make me feel better, though, is the fact that if i am a man, i get to pick and choose what kinds of masculinity i want to put out into the world, if that -- makes sense.
i recently read "gender failure", by ivan coyote and rae spoon; it was one of those books where i took a lot of shitty blurry camera phone pictures in bars or on moving trains to text people because so much of it was a deeply familiar punch in the gut. i probably am going to buy a copy for myself; the copy i read was from the library*, so i don't have the passage on hand, but -- in one part, ivan coyote talks about transness and trans women and working to earn the title of "brother", which is -- yeah. that.
*as a side note, one thing i like about library books is seeing evidence that other people have been there too? rae spoon refers to themself as "transgendered", and someone had gone in and crossed out the "ed" in several chapters
i recently read "gender failure", by ivan coyote and rae spoon; it was one of those books where i took a lot of shitty blurry camera phone pictures in bars or on moving trains to text people because so much of it was a deeply familiar punch in the gut. i probably am going to buy a copy for myself; the copy i read was from the library*, so i don't have the passage on hand, but -- in one part, ivan coyote talks about transness and trans women and working to earn the title of "brother", which is -- yeah. that.
*as a side note, one thing i like about library books is seeing evidence that other people have been there too? rae spoon refers to themself as "transgendered", and someone had gone in and crossed out the "ed" in several chapters
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Feb. 16th, 2019 09:13 pmhyaenidhello everyone!
so, the biggest thing that's happened recently - I STARTED T \o/
i -- am honestly still kind of reeling over the fact that i did? but one of the weirdest parts of opening the gender box is uncovering just piles and piles of things that i thought were normal/not a big deal/live-with-able that are just -- not. so.
(it is very weird, as a side note, to keep remembering things i wanted or things i did and realize that tons and tons of my life could have just been retitled "now that's what i call egg things: vol 42". that includes -
i called friday morning to make the appointment and my doctor had an opening at 11:20 THAT DAY; i compressed two weeks worth of freaking out into two hours, but the second i got approved it went from fear and nervousness to just -- giddy stupid excitement. i'm still thrilled! it's genuinely weird for me to feel this good about making a big and scary decision, but -- this just feels RIGHT.
someone i know and who talked about his transition publicly said something about how he was nervous and unsure and questioning right up until he did his first shot and everything clicked into place. i figured that wouldn't happen for me, since i still am not sure WHAT i am exactly, but -- shit, man, it really works??
anyway. i'm trying really hard not to think about what identities i do and don't want to be; ultimately i'll be what i end up being, whether that's a binary man or a nb person or whatever. i have to say, though, post initial shot the thought of being a man is way less scary/upsetting than it was before? if it happens, it happens!
i'm going to try to start blogging about changes on T every week -- the goal is to do a once-a-week check-in about the genders, since that's the big thing weighing on me.
(in other news, i'm also applying for jobs. hire me!!!!!)
so, the biggest thing that's happened recently - I STARTED T \o/
i -- am honestly still kind of reeling over the fact that i did? but one of the weirdest parts of opening the gender box is uncovering just piles and piles of things that i thought were normal/not a big deal/live-with-able that are just -- not. so.
(it is very weird, as a side note, to keep remembering things i wanted or things i did and realize that tons and tons of my life could have just been retitled "now that's what i call egg things: vol 42". that includes -
- the absolute horror i used to feel over the possibility anybody would ever realize i had genitals at all, to the point of scrubbing myself raw in the showers to get rid of even the possibility of a smell/my inability to be chill about leaving the house if i haven't showered yet
- my deep discomfort with most sex? esp anything where a partner is getting up close and personal with my junk (receiving oral consistently slingshots me right out of my meat gundam)
- [redacted because it's too painful; the punchline is, "it's genital dysphoria!"]
- "crossdressing" as a "funny" "joke" (where nobody could see me, and i would frantically strip out of any incriminating evidence if there was even a chance i'd get caught), including the ace bandage binder and a pair of socks shoved down my (men's) shorts (note: i later threw the shorts away in shame and panic)
- i thought i was a trans man for like a year or two when i was 13 or 14 and then packed that away and never looked at it again
- how hugely traumatic puberty was for me
- the number of times i would talk with trans men i know about "oh, i ALSO hoped i'd get breast/cervical cancer so i'd have an excuse!!" and then would be like "anyway, i'm cis :)"
- how uncomfortable i felt in dresses and gowns?? like -- i have a miniskirt that i would put on, and i looked fine, i looked good even, but every time i wore it out or anywhere there was just this constant low-level terror that someone would Know.
- know what? i don't know, but they'd Know and i'd be exposed as a fraud and a liar!)
i called friday morning to make the appointment and my doctor had an opening at 11:20 THAT DAY; i compressed two weeks worth of freaking out into two hours, but the second i got approved it went from fear and nervousness to just -- giddy stupid excitement. i'm still thrilled! it's genuinely weird for me to feel this good about making a big and scary decision, but -- this just feels RIGHT.
someone i know and who talked about his transition publicly said something about how he was nervous and unsure and questioning right up until he did his first shot and everything clicked into place. i figured that wouldn't happen for me, since i still am not sure WHAT i am exactly, but -- shit, man, it really works??
anyway. i'm trying really hard not to think about what identities i do and don't want to be; ultimately i'll be what i end up being, whether that's a binary man or a nb person or whatever. i have to say, though, post initial shot the thought of being a man is way less scary/upsetting than it was before? if it happens, it happens!
i'm going to try to start blogging about changes on T every week -- the goal is to do a once-a-week check-in about the genders, since that's the big thing weighing on me.
(in other news, i'm also applying for jobs. hire me!!!!!)
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Star Trek: Discovery 2.05 "Saints of Imperfection" and Siren 2.04 "Oil & Water"
Feb. 14th, 2019 10:44 pm
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Feb. 10th, 2019 10:34 pmandrasteSo, this week's Star Trek: Discovery got me thinking about moments when you realise that your favourite character is your favourite. Because, at least for me, with some characters it's practically instantaneous, and with others it takes a while, and sometimes I don't figure it out until later.
( Spoilers for this week's Disco. And also for who my favourite Disco character is, I guess. )
This is not the first time that this has happened - believe it or not, it took me until I got on the internet and started looking for fanfiction to realise that Charles Xavier was my Best Beloved. (Keep in mind that this was 1996 and there was basically no fanfic about him at the time. Had I a time machine, I would love to pop back to my annoyed teenage self and reassure her that this was not going to be a problem for her twenty years down the road ...)
On the other hand, I knew that I loved Magneto basically as soon as he appeared and began talking. There's also the time the Twelfth Doctor was talking to a tramp about his face and I thought 'he is my favourite Doctor.' (I then told myself I was being ridiculous because it was far too soon to make up my mind after less than half an episode, but my love never wavered after that.) With Londo Mollari it took until he told Adira was his password was, and with G'Kar it was the singing to his lunch, so both of those happened pretty early. I think Merrill became my favourite Dragon Age character somewhere during that first hilariously awkward conversation with Hawke, but I don't think I knew that until at least the second time I played the game. I don't even remember a time when I didn't love Starscream - I definitely did by 1987 when I was distressed by his death. (Little did I know that he would end up dying and coming back in most versions of the canon to the point where I would become completely blasé about it.)
... all of which to say, if there's a pattern in any of that, I do not know what it is. But sometimes you really don't know you love a thing until you think it might be gone. Or you cannot find any fanfic about it.
( Spoilers for this week's Disco. And also for who my favourite Disco character is, I guess. )
This is not the first time that this has happened - believe it or not, it took me until I got on the internet and started looking for fanfiction to realise that Charles Xavier was my Best Beloved. (Keep in mind that this was 1996 and there was basically no fanfic about him at the time. Had I a time machine, I would love to pop back to my annoyed teenage self and reassure her that this was not going to be a problem for her twenty years down the road ...)
On the other hand, I knew that I loved Magneto basically as soon as he appeared and began talking. There's also the time the Twelfth Doctor was talking to a tramp about his face and I thought 'he is my favourite Doctor.' (I then told myself I was being ridiculous because it was far too soon to make up my mind after less than half an episode, but my love never wavered after that.) With Londo Mollari it took until he told Adira was his password was, and with G'Kar it was the singing to his lunch, so both of those happened pretty early. I think Merrill became my favourite Dragon Age character somewhere during that first hilariously awkward conversation with Hawke, but I don't think I knew that until at least the second time I played the game. I don't even remember a time when I didn't love Starscream - I definitely did by 1987 when I was distressed by his death. (Little did I know that he would end up dying and coming back in most versions of the canon to the point where I would become completely blasé about it.)
... all of which to say, if there's a pattern in any of that, I do not know what it is. But sometimes you really don't know you love a thing until you think it might be gone. Or you cannot find any fanfic about it.
Vice...and GK Re-Read Week 6: Chapter 31 - Afterword
Feb. 10th, 2019 12:33 amalethiaBy chance, I watched the movie Vice this week, about Cheney. It's infuriating, but especially so in light of my GK re-read. Vice goes into how pollsters found people didn't understand who the US was fighting in the war on terror. They wanted a country to fight. Guess what country the administration picked?
Iraq.
( Generation Kill: Chapter 31 - Afterword )
Iraq.
( Generation Kill: Chapter 31 - Afterword )
